Parenting Differently: Breaking the Cycle and Finding Your Own Way

No one really prepares you for the emotional toll of raising your children differently from how you were raised.

For some, the decision to break cycles might be clear-cut — maybe you experienced abuse, neglect, or growing up in a home where you never felt safe or loved. For others, it’s more subtle. You might remember how certain comments made you doubt yourself, how affection was withheld or love was earned, or how your feelings were dismissed because you were being 'too sensitive'.

And now, as a parent yourself, you find yourself wanting to do things differently.

You want to be the parent who listens. The parent who apologises. The parent who lets feelings be felt.

But wow, it’s exhausting work. Especially when the people who made you doubt yourself then still have a way of making you doubt yourself now.

The Quiet Weight of Doubt

It’s one thing to parent in line with your values when you’re surrounded by support. It’s another when someone close to you — maybe your own mum or dad — makes a comment that cuts deeper than you expected:"We never did it like that and you turned out fine." "You’re making a rod for your own back." "You’re too soft."

Suddenly you’re questioning yourself. Wondering if you’re getting it all wrong.

If you’ve found yourself late at night googling “why do I keep doubting myself as a mum” or “how to deal with unhelpful grandparents”, please know you’re not alone.

Why It Feels So Hard

Parenting differently from your own upbringing isn’t just about changing nappies, sleep routines or screen time rules. You’re rewriting the emotional script you were handed as a child.

You’re choosing connection over control. Repair over silence. Boundaries over guilt.

And sometimes, that stirs up grief for the childhood you wish you’d had. It can also spark anger, sadness, or deep loneliness — especially if your own parents aren’t supportive, or aren’t in your life at all.

Gentle Ways to Cope

If you’re in the thick of it, here are a few ideas to help you steady yourself:

1. Acknowledge what you’re doing is hard. It takes strength to break patterns. Even noticing them is brave work.

2. Notice when old voices creep in. When you find yourself doubting, ask yourself: Is this my voice or someone else’s? Whose approval am I chasing in this moment?

3. Set clear boundaries where you need to. It’s okay to say “We’re doing things differently, and this is what works for us.”  You don’t need anyone else’s permission to parent your way.

4. Grieve what you didn’t have. You’re allowed to feel sadness for what you missed out on. Let those feelings be real, so they don’t stay stuck.

5. Find your people. Whether it’s a friend, a mum or parent group, or a gentle online community, surround yourself with those who respect the way you choose to raise your children.

You Are Enough

If you’re parenting without the safety net you wish you had, know this: You are creating a different world for your child, one choice at a time. And even on the days you doubt yourself, you are already enough.

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Joanne Flatt

Psychotherapeutic Counsellor MNCPS (Acc.)

You don’t have to have it all together, and you’re not alone in feeling this way. If any of this resonates with you and you’d like to reach out, you’re very welcome to get in touch. I’m Joanne, a therapist who works with parents navigating the messy, emotional work of breaking cycles and finding their own way. I believe in honest conversations, compassionate listening, and reminding people that it’s okay to carry complicated feelings about family. There’s no judgment here, just an understanding, safe space if you need it.